reversing into happiness..

it feels good when something makes you feel close to a person,
even though you're already feeling happy with that someone,
and this thing/event makes it happier..
things will work out.
i'm sorry,
maybe i shouldn't be forgiven,
cause i wouldn't know what i'd have done,
if you hadn't find out...
i'm glad you did,
cause it made me learn how to love (you) even more..
others maybe attractive,
distracting at times,
making my mind digress,
but i'd know where my heart is,
and it is,
as now,
unflinching..
i wish i could show it to you,
that my heart is unflinching,
cause that would be the best way to mend your aching heart,
but,
i can't..
and for that,
you might not be able to forgive..
but believe me,
though i'd understand that it'd be hard to trust my words,
that my heart is,
as now,
yours,
and,
as now,
my love only belongs to you..
a thousand apologies,
couldn't fill the hole i've dug,
and,
at times,
i wish i stepped into the whole,
to end this misery of hurting you,
cause,
hurting you, i found out, hurts me even more..
it pains me,
to see you second guess yourself,
asking yourself, if you're good enough,
when,
the sole reason i got you in the first place,
was that,
i believed you're more than good enough..

i hope pouring my heart out allows me to find myself.. cause i'm feeling lost..

i'm enjoying anonymity, i'm confused, n i couldn't ask for more.

ambiguity.

i already want to go for a holiday. 3 weeks into skool. haha. i want to feed this want in myself, to go a holiday on my own, all alone. or mayb with the soccer team. i don't think i can go with shaz, so that's that. i want something different.

not this, all over again..

one song summarises thoughts now..

----------
End of Nothing (Funeral For A Friend)

Well killing you
Might be the only chance I have
Of recovering
But I know it's so severe
'Cause you know it would be
The punishment it fits the crime

So let's take this knife (Take this knife)
And run it down your chest
Does this feel like love? (Feel like love)
Here we are waiting

So let's take this knife
And run it down your chest
Does this feel like love?
Here we are waiting

The light feels good against
The bruises on your cheek
Another battle that you'll have to wear this week
The light feels good against
The bruises on your cheek
Another battle that you'll have to wear this week

Well killing me
Might be the only chance you have
Of recovering
But I know it's so severe
'Cause you know it would be
The punishment it fits your crime

You will die
We'll die from tonight
You will die
We'll die from tonight
You will die
We'll die from tonight
You will die
We'll die alone
----------

These things aren't supposed to happen. Or maybe, my mind refuses to accept, cause I was brought up learning that violence is never the answer. Its an irony when I say this, cause, its not as if I've never resorted to violence, but as much as I've tried to explain why I did it, I understand that there is no justification for resorting to it. It was a spur of the moment kind of thing, where fists flew faster than the mind could think. I'm not gonna elaborate more on the giving party/receiving end of this, as elaboration would only mean "pointing fingers", and I'm never one who likes to do that. I thrive on the vagueness when I blog.

The only thing I'd like to add is that, I've had two real-life experience with this shit, and both parties in both experiences never worked out, and in one serious consequences occurred. Please do not be the third. Think it through.

The tag reads, "Made in Singpaore."

Lions Unlikely to Roar in Asia

basically its the bottom part of the article which is what I was surprised at to read. its kind of surprising reading what is mentioned, written by someone else whom I don't think is Singaporean, and yet is so true. what's funny is that I've never seem such opinions being published in papers here. majority of the editors and publishers are probably ethnic Chinese as well. haha. joke.

this brings me to another point. i detest people who possess this "mob mentality" and find that going to watch soccer as a group in the stadium, is an excuse to be rowdy and make fucked up comments about players. was at the Uzbek thrashing of S'pore some time back and i hated it when this "majority" (if you know what I'm talking about) criticized players and labeled them "useless" and "stupid". i mean, if you think you're so good play lah! that's why they had to bring in the imports what.. cause you never play. and then there was this guy who labeled Jiayi, "made in China" when he made a bad pass. that bugger became a citizen to play soccer here and you're criticizing him? at least he got of his China butt and contributed to S'pore soccer unlike you munching on your cheeseburger, sitting on the concrete steps of the "soon-to-be-torn-down" National Stadium. haha. hopefully i killed a few birds with that stone. haha.

"With two of palindromical names, the smaller one suits you better," I said.

so my fingers stretched, in a manner which they have not done so for a long time, tweaking with every depression of buttons on the keyboard. drawn back. fist clenched. knuckles cracked. inspiration has yet to land, this boring morning. at least this morning's not hot.

pal·in·drome [pal-in-drohm]
–noun

1.	a word, line, verse, number, sentence, etc., reading the same backward as forward, as Madam, I'm Adam or Poor Dan is in a droop.

The Late Bloomer.

was reading the papers and this article/picture caught my eye, about the British surveillance culture thing. was talking about being under CCTV surveillance 24/7 with my mom that day.

people in S'pore will not feel so paranoid, cause if you think of it, we do not have CCTVs on the corner of every street. we have STOMP.... :)

oh, and to some people, be a disgrace from all i care. i hope they pick you up and spit you out, just like what you deserve. your friends can stroke your probably "already-is" massive egos, but from this end of the spectrum, you people are not all that beautiful after all. many of you look like ladyboys. hatred for these kinda people runs deep, i'm sorry..

for many daylilies bloom, only after the sun sets, just as this one does..

initiation is one thing, reciprocation is a whole different ball game..

i hate de rossi. could have got my a-d cause of that idiot penalty miss.. its a sign (or so i think, as i always do...) make me happy vogel... :)

life's getting more and more.............. tiring. or is it that i'm sick. either one, not that much of a diff. my eyes are burning, my throat's sore, i shock people every time i sneeze. the only think i'm thankful for is that i do not have a fever and my body doesn't ache. i wanna rest. i'm fatigued.

replies are a few and far in between.

Can't Help But To Judge..

its so cliche when someone puts up a picture of something rather controversial, and they also tell people to "not judge them." i mean, think of it first lah, then put the picture up, if you don't want people to judge you.

either, not put the picture up, or don't tell people to not judge you. face people's judgments head-on, if you got the balls to, but then again, not everyone has balls. haha.

oh, and some people should just get over relationships which ended 1 year ago and get on with life. and other people's relationships, are other people's own business.

only God can judge me..

"What if"'s only make you question the space-time continuum.

i hate it when i ask myself what if this happens, and what if that happened. i mean, i'm fairly happy with my life, as of now. nothing complicated about it at all. i'm able to enjoy and go out, and stuff.

but sometimes, you get pissed at yourself for thinking that sometimes, or some time in the past, you didn't actually, go (or went for) what you actually wanted. instead, you sat back, and, that thing, that person, that opportunity, passed you by. damn. i hate questioning decisions.

does your make-up melt when you club?? haha..

• About Me:
  

  I have been hovering mentally, as of late. Finding myself.
  
  I love, that moment in time, where you collide into an imaginary wall of imagery, your mind creates from pondering, almost aimlessly, about life in general, or about specific aspects of life which you wish you could have changed, without affecting the space-time continuum.
  
  Say, I'm a mental retard, say i think too much, say what you want, say what you will, in the words of a great Incubus song, "You could never offend, cause your dirty words come out, clean..."
  
  I'm not as complexed as i think. Haha.

esitiroirp nafri

past few days been so fucked up. hate waking up not knowing what to do. people fuck up plans or plans fuck up people? i think plans fuck up people. actually i don't really know.

i need a solid plan. when we were in school, we so wanted out. now that i'm out, i feel like i need direction. it starts today.

help! the world is shrinking..

i find it (not very weird, but) weird (enough) when someone whom you used to have a thing for, now has the hots for someone else, who was friends with a close friend of yours now. its like everyone knows each other, somehow. i guess i can finally swallow the fact that someone 3000kilometres away, can actually be separated by just 3 degrees of friends.

i don't know if its necessarily good or bad, if i like it or not, but i missed the days when the only friends that mattered was that one degree of people around you. life seemed simpler, less complicated, less heartache, but, then again, why should i care for anyone else in the first place.

i need spell-check to amend how i spell separated. not "seperated" IRFAN...

teh petery grlis wlil sictk tgoeehr..

some days i love staying at home, some days i totally hate staying at home. luckily today is one of the former.

if you're 555, then i'm 666

6 days. 6 days of popping pills at 2 or sometimes 4am in the morning. 6 days of not shaving, in fear of scarring myself. 6 days of slacking at home; Ultimate Fighter at 11am, Room 401 at don't know what fucking time in the afternoon watching the same episode everyday, countless (same) episodes of Yo Momma and My Fat Fabulous Wedding. mtv never felt so boring, till you get chicken pox. 6 days.

i wanna buy a book.

OMFG.. its been awhile..

haven't blogged for like forever.. don't think anyone would read this..

was cleaning up my room and found something very interesting.. a list of wants and needs i created sometime in 2007, tho 2008 is only like 10 days old..

Wants
blackburn away jersey, onitsuka tigers, matt top guitar like jack johnson's, nice shades, new ipod, nice sweater.

Needs
set of running shoes, pair of soccer boots, a job, an organized pencil case.

a decent of wants and needs.. relatively straight forward.. in 2007, i thought i'd get it in a month's time to celebrate 08'.. or that what i told myself.. let's see what i have now, seperated into wants and needs..

Wants
blackburn away jersey CHECK - thanks guys and girls for the gift
onitsuka tigers SEMI-CHECK - got a pairs of nice Macbeths instead
guitar SEMI-CHECK - my bro got this acoustic guitar
nice shades UNCHECK
new ipod SEMI-CHECK - coming very soon
nice sweater CHECK

Needs
running shoes UNCHECK
soccer boots UNCHECK
job CHECK
pencil case UNCHECK

so unbalanced.. maybe i should move more of my needs to wants.. haha..

"The former, sir." I said to myself.

i came up with something interesting at course today.. fyi, i went for the first half of a two day course at the ST Building, in the Tanjong Pagar area.. has got to do with Communication and Relationship Management..

so, back to the story.. i came up with an answer that i couldn't imagine me coming up with.. haha.. i felt like Edward Norton in American History X, only for the exception of his skinhead/neo-Nazi/white supremest sentiments..
the question was like, given the following terms, which would you rate, from first to last, in order of importance to yourself.. the terms: Nationality, Race, Religion, Age Group & Gender.

so my answer was (in order of importance to myself) : Religion, Race, Nationality, Gender & Age Group. and i thought that was the end of things, but AK (the instructor) told us to explain why it was ranked that way.. Derek Vinyard (Norton's on-screen character) took over me at this point..

Religion : Religion keeps someone's feet planted firmly to the ground. It provides a sort of guidance for that individual. I know that its a fallacy for me to say that a person without religion is misguided, but in my opinion, religion sets a number of guidelines, a sort of vision and mission for an individual to follow, and not deviate from.

Race : Race is very much related to religion, in my opinion, and from the example of myself being a Malay/Muslim. It is also important for an individual to recognize his race as a ton of history is behind "race". The history of your parents, of your grandparents, it is all behind race. Singapore adopted and became a multicultural country because of migrants, and they carry a wealth of knowledge, culture, etc. that would encompass race. That's the reason I rank race second.

Nationality : I think Singapore has done a great job, with regards to assimilation (in the initial stages) and I recognize that such ideas like NS and stuff, managed to gel people of different races together. If I was not given Religion and Race as two other choices, Nationality would definitely be first, no doubt. Some of my closest friends are not Malays, and some of my enemies are Malay.

Gender : In my opinion, I place Gender fourth as it is very much underrated. I mean we all recognize women nowadays are much more successful as compared to before, but in my honest opinion (without it being debated in parliament), I do not think that Gender Equality is very much recognized. I mean, we do not have to go too far to see examples. Take the pledge: "regardless of race, language and religion." And where's Gender Equality. That is why, in my honest opinion it would be ranked fourth.

Age Group : Age group is last as, even if someone younger than me is better than me, I would give the person due respect deserved. Not insulting or putting down experience, I respect experience, but the main crux of the matter here is Age Group. That is why I put it last.

these words like spewed from my mouth, and I was glad i let it go..

and to think that AK said, just prior to this;
"When Mr Irfan rests his head on his hands, I don't know if he is organizing his thoughts to answer my next question, or if he is just day-dreaming."
--> look at my title.. =)

the sun sets on this mini chapter in my life..

just realised.. i'm gonna miss so much stuff after my last day.. mostly spending lepak time with the guys at work, playing ping-pong (YES!! PING PONG!!), visiting the yellow box, friday afternoon soccer sessions.. ya.. these are like the main stuff I will miss.. haha.. after not winning any trophies or anything throughout NS (still sore about not getting Best Shot during BMT.. )-= , i won 3 trophies during my short stay in PTD.. power lah! haha..

You think you know?? You have no idea.....

I decided to do some fun blogging today.. i'm gonna share some things that people (or rather, not many people) know about me.. =)

1. I talk and move about (not sleepwalking) in my sleep (sometimes, but apparently quite alot)

And by move about, I don't exactly mean walk but some stuff which i don't exactly know.. I remembered one occasion whereby my brother told me that i was swinging my bolster pretending to be playing baseball.. haha.. can just imagine how that looks like.. and apparently i told him that i wanna beat up someone, and i threw some punches into thin air.. haha.. and just a fortnight ago, Shaz called me in the middle of the night and asked me where i was.. i was sleeping at home, and apparently i told her that i in the driving circuit, going thru a lesson.. she apparently asked, "At one o'clock in the morning?!" and i replied, "Ya! I'm driving. Don't call me." haha.. that's me..

2. I apparently have a weird sense of taste, esp when it comes to drinks

Let me name a few drinks i like to order at coffee joints and bubble tea shops, and you decide for yourself..

Green Tea Frap,
Cinnamon Ice Blended (with more cinnamon sprinkled on top),
Ice Blended Yam Oreo with/without pearls,
Mixture of Chin-chau and Soya Bean (cold)

I can't go on naming anymore at this moment, but ya, apparently, these drinks are "weird".. I don't know i like them alot.. In the end, my friends and I, decided that my "weird" taste represents me.. I don't think its weird, but I don't know many people who like them either..

the first taste of Irfan you get is different and lights up your senses,
but it leaves such an irritating aftertaste.. HAHA.. I don't find these drinks weird..

3. I'm not playing in any band, as of now

Don't talk about playing in band, I haven't played the guitar in a long long time.. though i'm thinking of making the transition to bass guitar and really get down learning the different techniques of playing the bass..

I miss the sounds of guitars and bass in an-already-claustrophobic-room, with the ear-drum-shattering sounds of the snare and crash of the drums, accompanied, most of the time, by a singer who's out of tune.. haha.. i miss those days..

Hope to start on the bass soon and hopefully discover a whole new sound.. to be honest with you, most of the bass players i knew were not so good at guitars and had to settle with the bass.. i wanna be good at playing bass.. to think of it, the bass has always had an appeal with me.. from Matt Freeman (Rancid) and Mike Dirnt (Greenday) early on, to Flea (RHCP) and Alex Katunich (Dirk Lance - Incubus) during the funk and modern rock switch, to Shavo (SOAD) during my System of A Down stages, and to metal basslines, it has always appealed to me.. i like how a song doesn't sound "full" without the bass.. haha..

4. Most of the time, I have 2 voices in my head

People may call it schizo or something, but seriously, i think it keeps me in check.. one is good irfan, and another is bad irfan.. haha..

5. My "taste" in the opposite sex is quite specific

Let me put it straight on the table.. after much questioning, with my inner-self, i conclude that i have something for fair malay girls.. not exactly chinese looking, but fair..

i think its quite unfair that i eliminate a lot of beautiful darker/tanner skinned malay girls, but ya.. that's my taste..

that's why i got Shazleen.. (;

haha..

the most shocking thing about me

i love metal and hardcore music, but two of my most favourite songs are.......................

We Belong Together - Mariah Carey &

Cool - Gwen Stefani

HAHAHAHA..

No more STOOPID officework........

life is so great when your boss goes for a dental appointment in the morning.. feel so bloody good that she ain't here to disturb me..

so i've not been blogging for some time now, and sharing stuff with people.. well, i've not exactly been super busy, but not un-busy also.. just plain lazy to log in and type..

well, the fasting month's been good, and just as I said that, someone must make some coffee and tempt me with the smell.. went out with suf and the guys the other day and had a hell of a time.. haha.. first in deciding where to go (all NSPIs, are not good in making decisions), then in chilling and buying goods, then food at arab street, then slacking on carpets and falling asleep whilst slacking with your friends, then driving to Jurong thru NUS in THE WRONG DIRECTION, then getting lost on the way back from Jurong, then puking on my staircase.. summarised the whole day... haha... what a day...

i'm beginning to blog shittly.. nothing to write, don't narrate.. haha..

Cry, 'Havoc!' and let slip the dogs of war. (3.1.268) - Julius Caesar

I'm going crazy thinking of ORD, so I came up with a wishlist... Haha, yup another visual wishlist...

first off, this guitar used by Matt Skiba (Alkaline Trio).. Whoa!!!!! --> http://www.washburn.com/skiba/

Second, this keychain from Pride FC.. if anyone is going Japan, pls tell me.. I WANT this.. big fan of Pride FC.. http://www.pridefc.com/

third.. this Lamb of God CD.. comes with a DVD and is on sale at HMV... *hint hint

and I need a pair of jeans.. black, not corduroy, or mayb blue, faded.... haha...