reversing into happiness..

it feels good when something makes you feel close to a person,
even though you're already feeling happy with that someone,
and this thing/event makes it happier..
things will work out.
i'm sorry,
maybe i shouldn't be forgiven,
cause i wouldn't know what i'd have done,
if you hadn't find out...
i'm glad you did,
cause it made me learn how to love (you) even more..
others maybe attractive,
distracting at times,
making my mind digress,
but i'd know where my heart is,
and it is,
as now,
unflinching..
i wish i could show it to you,
that my heart is unflinching,
cause that would be the best way to mend your aching heart,
but,
i can't..
and for that,
you might not be able to forgive..
but believe me,
though i'd understand that it'd be hard to trust my words,
that my heart is,
as now,
yours,
and,
as now,
my love only belongs to you..
a thousand apologies,
couldn't fill the hole i've dug,
and,
at times,
i wish i stepped into the whole,
to end this misery of hurting you,
cause,
hurting you, i found out, hurts me even more..
it pains me,
to see you second guess yourself,
asking yourself, if you're good enough,
when,
the sole reason i got you in the first place,
was that,
i believed you're more than good enough..

i hope pouring my heart out allows me to find myself.. cause i'm feeling lost..

i'm enjoying anonymity, i'm confused, n i couldn't ask for more.

ambiguity.

i already want to go for a holiday. 3 weeks into skool. haha. i want to feed this want in myself, to go a holiday on my own, all alone. or mayb with the soccer team. i don't think i can go with shaz, so that's that. i want something different.

not this, all over again..

one song summarises thoughts now..

----------
End of Nothing (Funeral For A Friend)

Well killing you
Might be the only chance I have
Of recovering
But I know it's so severe
'Cause you know it would be
The punishment it fits the crime

So let's take this knife (Take this knife)
And run it down your chest
Does this feel like love? (Feel like love)
Here we are waiting

So let's take this knife
And run it down your chest
Does this feel like love?
Here we are waiting

The light feels good against
The bruises on your cheek
Another battle that you'll have to wear this week
The light feels good against
The bruises on your cheek
Another battle that you'll have to wear this week

Well killing me
Might be the only chance you have
Of recovering
But I know it's so severe
'Cause you know it would be
The punishment it fits your crime

You will die
We'll die from tonight
You will die
We'll die from tonight
You will die
We'll die from tonight
You will die
We'll die alone
----------

These things aren't supposed to happen. Or maybe, my mind refuses to accept, cause I was brought up learning that violence is never the answer. Its an irony when I say this, cause, its not as if I've never resorted to violence, but as much as I've tried to explain why I did it, I understand that there is no justification for resorting to it. It was a spur of the moment kind of thing, where fists flew faster than the mind could think. I'm not gonna elaborate more on the giving party/receiving end of this, as elaboration would only mean "pointing fingers", and I'm never one who likes to do that. I thrive on the vagueness when I blog.

The only thing I'd like to add is that, I've had two real-life experience with this shit, and both parties in both experiences never worked out, and in one serious consequences occurred. Please do not be the third. Think it through.

The tag reads, "Made in Singpaore."

Lions Unlikely to Roar in Asia

basically its the bottom part of the article which is what I was surprised at to read. its kind of surprising reading what is mentioned, written by someone else whom I don't think is Singaporean, and yet is so true. what's funny is that I've never seem such opinions being published in papers here. majority of the editors and publishers are probably ethnic Chinese as well. haha. joke.

this brings me to another point. i detest people who possess this "mob mentality" and find that going to watch soccer as a group in the stadium, is an excuse to be rowdy and make fucked up comments about players. was at the Uzbek thrashing of S'pore some time back and i hated it when this "majority" (if you know what I'm talking about) criticized players and labeled them "useless" and "stupid". i mean, if you think you're so good play lah! that's why they had to bring in the imports what.. cause you never play. and then there was this guy who labeled Jiayi, "made in China" when he made a bad pass. that bugger became a citizen to play soccer here and you're criticizing him? at least he got of his China butt and contributed to S'pore soccer unlike you munching on your cheeseburger, sitting on the concrete steps of the "soon-to-be-torn-down" National Stadium. haha. hopefully i killed a few birds with that stone. haha.

"With two of palindromical names, the smaller one suits you better," I said.

so my fingers stretched, in a manner which they have not done so for a long time, tweaking with every depression of buttons on the keyboard. drawn back. fist clenched. knuckles cracked. inspiration has yet to land, this boring morning. at least this morning's not hot.

pal·in·drome [pal-in-drohm]
–noun

1.	a word, line, verse, number, sentence, etc., reading the same backward as forward, as Madam, I'm Adam or Poor Dan is in a droop.

The Late Bloomer.

was reading the papers and this article/picture caught my eye, about the British surveillance culture thing. was talking about being under CCTV surveillance 24/7 with my mom that day.

people in S'pore will not feel so paranoid, cause if you think of it, we do not have CCTVs on the corner of every street. we have STOMP.... :)

oh, and to some people, be a disgrace from all i care. i hope they pick you up and spit you out, just like what you deserve. your friends can stroke your probably "already-is" massive egos, but from this end of the spectrum, you people are not all that beautiful after all. many of you look like ladyboys. hatred for these kinda people runs deep, i'm sorry..

for many daylilies bloom, only after the sun sets, just as this one does..

initiation is one thing, reciprocation is a whole different ball game..

i hate de rossi. could have got my a-d cause of that idiot penalty miss.. its a sign (or so i think, as i always do...) make me happy vogel... :)

life's getting more and more.............. tiring. or is it that i'm sick. either one, not that much of a diff. my eyes are burning, my throat's sore, i shock people every time i sneeze. the only think i'm thankful for is that i do not have a fever and my body doesn't ache. i wanna rest. i'm fatigued.

replies are a few and far in between.

Can't Help But To Judge..

its so cliche when someone puts up a picture of something rather controversial, and they also tell people to "not judge them." i mean, think of it first lah, then put the picture up, if you don't want people to judge you.

either, not put the picture up, or don't tell people to not judge you. face people's judgments head-on, if you got the balls to, but then again, not everyone has balls. haha.

oh, and some people should just get over relationships which ended 1 year ago and get on with life. and other people's relationships, are other people's own business.

only God can judge me..

"What if"'s only make you question the space-time continuum.

i hate it when i ask myself what if this happens, and what if that happened. i mean, i'm fairly happy with my life, as of now. nothing complicated about it at all. i'm able to enjoy and go out, and stuff.

but sometimes, you get pissed at yourself for thinking that sometimes, or some time in the past, you didn't actually, go (or went for) what you actually wanted. instead, you sat back, and, that thing, that person, that opportunity, passed you by. damn. i hate questioning decisions.

does your make-up melt when you club?? haha..

• About Me:
  

  I have been hovering mentally, as of late. Finding myself.
  
  I love, that moment in time, where you collide into an imaginary wall of imagery, your mind creates from pondering, almost aimlessly, about life in general, or about specific aspects of life which you wish you could have changed, without affecting the space-time continuum.
  
  Say, I'm a mental retard, say i think too much, say what you want, say what you will, in the words of a great Incubus song, "You could never offend, cause your dirty words come out, clean..."
  
  I'm not as complexed as i think. Haha.

esitiroirp nafri

past few days been so fucked up. hate waking up not knowing what to do. people fuck up plans or plans fuck up people? i think plans fuck up people. actually i don't really know.

i need a solid plan. when we were in school, we so wanted out. now that i'm out, i feel like i need direction. it starts today.

help! the world is shrinking..

i find it (not very weird, but) weird (enough) when someone whom you used to have a thing for, now has the hots for someone else, who was friends with a close friend of yours now. its like everyone knows each other, somehow. i guess i can finally swallow the fact that someone 3000kilometres away, can actually be separated by just 3 degrees of friends.

i don't know if its necessarily good or bad, if i like it or not, but i missed the days when the only friends that mattered was that one degree of people around you. life seemed simpler, less complicated, less heartache, but, then again, why should i care for anyone else in the first place.

i need spell-check to amend how i spell separated. not "seperated" IRFAN...

teh petery grlis wlil sictk tgoeehr..

some days i love staying at home, some days i totally hate staying at home. luckily today is one of the former.

if you're 555, then i'm 666

6 days. 6 days of popping pills at 2 or sometimes 4am in the morning. 6 days of not shaving, in fear of scarring myself. 6 days of slacking at home; Ultimate Fighter at 11am, Room 401 at don't know what fucking time in the afternoon watching the same episode everyday, countless (same) episodes of Yo Momma and My Fat Fabulous Wedding. mtv never felt so boring, till you get chicken pox. 6 days.

i wanna buy a book.

OMFG.. its been awhile..

haven't blogged for like forever.. don't think anyone would read this..

was cleaning up my room and found something very interesting.. a list of wants and needs i created sometime in 2007, tho 2008 is only like 10 days old..

Wants
blackburn away jersey, onitsuka tigers, matt top guitar like jack johnson's, nice shades, new ipod, nice sweater.

Needs
set of running shoes, pair of soccer boots, a job, an organized pencil case.

a decent of wants and needs.. relatively straight forward.. in 2007, i thought i'd get it in a month's time to celebrate 08'.. or that what i told myself.. let's see what i have now, seperated into wants and needs..

Wants
blackburn away jersey CHECK - thanks guys and girls for the gift
onitsuka tigers SEMI-CHECK - got a pairs of nice Macbeths instead
guitar SEMI-CHECK - my bro got this acoustic guitar
nice shades UNCHECK
new ipod SEMI-CHECK - coming very soon
nice sweater CHECK

Needs
running shoes UNCHECK
soccer boots UNCHECK
job CHECK
pencil case UNCHECK

so unbalanced.. maybe i should move more of my needs to wants.. haha..